Dorothy: [00:00:00] Today we’re going to hear a couple’s story. Janette and Jeff Marx are here to talk to us about how you get through breast cancer as a couple, as a family, and most of all about two hardworking people who are totally involved in their careers and on their way up. Did breast cancer stop them? For a little bit. But not much. You know, she was one that said, she talked to her support staff, her leaders, her team, and they are the ones that helped get her through. Hear more about how Jeff supported her through this cancer journey on this episode of Let’s Talk About Your Breast.
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[00:01:00] Let’s Talk About Your Breast, a different kind of podcast presented to you by The Rose, Breast Center of Excellence and a Texas treasure. You’re going to hear frank discussions about tough topics, and you’re going to learn why knowing about your breast could save your life.
So Janette and Jeff, thank you so much for being with us here today on this episode. And, of course, we’re going to direct a lot of the questions to Jeff, so I’m going to start with you. All right. So, Jeff, what is it like being married to someone who’s a global CEO? She’s over all these people in all these countries. How different is that from what you do?
Jeff: Well, that’s a great question. We’ve been married for 29 years. So we’ve been together from the start. Our careers grew together, and to some degree, we’ve kind of taught our each other along the way. So for me, it’s common. It’s not something I don’t expect. I also have a career. I make the world [00:02:00] safer. I work for a company called Securitas, and I’m in information technology, and my role is also global. So we have some similarities in the things that we do, uh, and the people we, uh, work with in our careers and, and we’ve grown up together in that way.
Dorothy: So do you travel as much as she does?
Jeff: Pretty close.
Dorothy: Oh, wow.
Janette: Yeah. We actually have a lot of fun meeting up in different countries when he’s somewhere else and I’m somewhere and then we’ll meet in the middle somewhere. So we’ve, we’ve managed to, uh, to make it fun. And this is my high school sweetheart.
Dorothy: Aw!
Janette: This is my high school sweetheart. So we really did grow up together.
Dorothy: So she’s told us about her diagnosis of breast cancer, and I’m curious, did, did you know that when she had her mammogram, she had to go back? Were you involved at that stage?
Jeff: I knew she was going back, but when she described the four hours and that, um, that was not my expectation. [00:03:00] So when she came in from that, uh, that four hours extended effort to try to figure out what was going on, I knew something was wrong. And, uh, it, uh, immediately I kind of kicked into, well, what do I do here? I knew something was wrong. When you’re with somebody for that long, you just know that something’s off. And so I knew immediately, uh, like she said, I gave her a hug and, and, uh, Immediately just started thinking about, okay, how do I be the strong one here? How do I, um, exude positivity in the situation? Because it could easily go the wrong way. So my, my mentality just went right into that and was almost instinctively doing that. It’s not like I thought about it, I just did.
Dorothy: Just did.
Jeff: Yeah.
Dorothy: Did you, did you ever feel like, uh, this was something you wanted to fix? Was there ever a time when, you were having trouble with not being able to fix it or not being able to change it for her?
Jeff: No. There’s things that are outta your control. [00:04:00]
Dorothy: Mm-Hmm. .
Jeff: And obviously this is something that I’m not a doctor. I can’t fix the situation she’s in. I can only be her partner through the the journey, right? We’re on a train. The train can’t go backwards. It’s always gonna go forwards. And, uh, we have to move forward. And so, in my mind, it was all about positivity and showing her strength in that, in that way that would pick her up. Because she’s dealing with some things that I can’t explain because it’s different the way that we feel in that situation.
Dorothy: So, were you ever afraid for her?
Jeff: Of course.
Dorothy: And what was your biggest fear?
Jeff: Um, I mean, obviously losing her is number one biggest fear that any, uh, partner would have when, when their, when their close one is going through something like this. But I didn’t have any doubts. I felt that, um, we had caught it early enough that, uh, I was confident that she would get in, you know, she’d be fine and I wouldn’t lose her.
[00:05:00] And, um, I was still afraid for it, but it was a small piece of something in the back of my mind. Um, I was more about how do we make sure that she’s, it’s better through the process and, and, and how do I support her through this, this journey that she’s now going to, uh, undertake? Um, that was really where my focus was. And yeah, a little bit in the back of my mind, I was thinking something could go wrong here.
But I really did like all her, um, her doctors were great. They communicated with me as well, and did a great job with that. And, you know, I had some of their phone numbers too, which was kind of nice that I felt like if something were going wrong and so on, I could make that phone call. Um, so I—
Dorothy: Did you ever have to?
Jeff: No, I did not. But they did call me, you know, as we went through surgeries and things like that. But it was just nice knowing that I could. I think that’s important, that kind of safety net that you might need. As you think through what’s going on in your life, you know, and that kind of thing. So, [00:06:00] that’s the way I looked at it.
Dorothy: So were you ever aware when he was frightened or afraid for you?
Janette: Oh no, he hid that all from me. He did a good job at it. He, he wanted to, he was my pillar of strength. So, when, when I was feeling weak, he wanted to be the opposite and show some of that strength to, to help me through it. But, um, it’s alright to cuddle up and cry sometimes too, babe. But no, he was, uh, he was very determined to help me through it, um, in any way I needed to get through it.
Dorothy: So did you share everything with him?
Janette: Yeah. Oh, I shared some of my innermost fears too because my body was going to change. And I’m like, you love me the way I am right now. Are you going to love me, um, with scars and all this other things that go through? So like as a woman, you start to think about those things and he answered perfectly every time. So, and now even that we’re past it just makes me feel more loved than ever. So [00:07:00] which is what we really need from our partners, what we really need from our spouses. So, um, because it’s, it’s hard to know that your body is going to change and that’s out of your control, but you know, um, can you still be attractive?
Dorothy: So, did you, uh, did you support her with, uh, like encouraging words or jokes or, uh, inside, inside stories that you two share?
Jeff: That’s a great question. I, I think, uh, what she’s, what Janette just said around, um, once you get past the part of, okay, I’m, I’m going to get through this. I’m going to survive. I think that’s your first initial thought process. And even as a spouse, I’m thinking that too, is she going to survive? And then you start to think, well, I’m going to, how I’m going to change. And that’s what she got into. I’m going to change. I’m not going to look the same. I’m going to look like, you know, Frankenstein or something.
Janette: And those were my words.
Jeff: Those were her words. And I looked at her and I said, no, that’s, you [00:08:00] know, you have a great system of doctors around you. Uh, they’re all over because you do so many great things for cancer, before you got your diagnosis.
Dorothy: Right.
Jeff: That you’re just, you have the right support system around you from a doctor perspective. And you’ll get through this and as long as you follow everything that, that, that needs to be done, you’re going to feel better for it. And my message to her was I love her no matter what.
Dorothy: And you talked a lot about kind of knowing all this, having that support system, but to hearing him say it make it even stronger for you? Did you need him to say those kinds of things?
Janette: I did. I absolutely did. I, I think that, um, when you realize that your body is going to change and that’s going to change you a bit, and then when you, when you understand the type of surgery you’re going to go through and the recovery and just every bit of that, you worry, you definitely worry no matter how positive you are.
You’re like, Ooh, okay. I need to get my head wrapped around change. I mean, [00:09:00] my, One of the other things my husband did fantastic at was all the, all my family who would come to visit during the time and my, two of my sisters, um, helped to shower me after my big reconstruction surgery. And one of my sisters told me just recently, she was like, Janette , I would shower you and then I’d go back upstairs, hide in the room that you had for me and cry. Because you’re just, you’re not you and you just don’t look like you. And it’s just so, so you do need that, that affirmation. And you did a great job of that.
Dorothy: So, and, and, you know, I’m, I’m trying so hard here to get something. Men always talking this way, you know, I supported her. All right, you know, I’m looking— How— Yeah, so, many times men just don’t know what to do.
Jeff: Yeah, I can walk you through some examples on that. So we had a lot of she had a great support system sisters family friends all those types of folks. Some staying at the house some visiting on a regular basis. I’ve never seen more [00:10:00] flowers in my life. And that’s a fantastic thing to hear, but it was driving me a little bonkers. Flowers everywhere. Um, but—
Janette: I’d never complained about the flowers.
Jeff: Fantastic support system, right? But you know, as, as, as, uh, you know, being this, you know, a partner of Janette ‘s and, and I had to manage some of the boundaries, like what’s, what’s going on. Make sure people understand as you come to the house.
She’s going to be in the room for a little bit, you know, come here and then we’ll get you and see her, right. And kind of manage their expectations a little bit. I think there’s part of that that, uh, I, I helped with. Uh, but the, I think the other piece that’s really important is there’s a lot of expectation on it. And I think I had a lot of expectation myself. I need to do all of these things. I need to be there. You know, how do I work at the same time? Well, I have to care for, you know, my wife and the people that are coming. Um, and I learned to manage that. So I would go to folks and say, okay, to [00:11:00] Janette ‘s mom.
I’d say, okay, I’m going to go do these things. I’m going to work for a little bit. You take care of this part of Janette ‘s needs and she would do that. Uh, and I I’d work and then we’d switch off and we just have those conversations. That you, you know, you, it’s, you have to have that conversation. Cause if you don’t, then nobody knows who’s supposed to do what.
And so we did a lot of that and to the point that, um, yourself, I need my time too, you know, you’re used to having your own time away from folks. And for me, that’s the gym, uh, and maybe some other things. And so I would go to her mom or her sister and so on and say, okay, for the next hour and something, I’m going to be at the gym, I’m this far away.
You can find me, just text me, page me, whatever it is, and, and I’ll be back, but we had that communication. I think it’s important that you, you, you’re able to separate a little bit and give yourself some relief. And I think that made a big difference in the way that I perceived the whole situation. I [00:12:00] think if I was there thinking that everything depended on me doing something for Janette to make sure she was taken care of, was the wrong approach and I’d probably get upset, but because we were able to think about it in a way that we were objectively, okay, you’re working here and we’re kind of treated, you know, treated in a way that we’re sharing the, the what Janette needs.
I think was appreciated by her sisters and her mother, and, and, and other people that visited, but certainly by me as well, gave me the opportunity to think about what was going on and how you could treat it. And have the positive conversations with Janette that she needed at the time.
Dorothy: Something caregivers don’t often do is really give themselves some of that time. It’s, that’s an important message for any, anyone that is helping. So, who took the lead in telling your son?
Janette: I did.
Jeff: Yeah.
Janette: I did. We went to their apartment and sat down together and it was the four of us. [00:13:00] So, um, and yeah, I took the lead. So I want to—
Dorothy: Was that decided that ahead of time?
Jeff: I think we just assumed it actually honest with you.
Janette: Yeah.
Jeff: Yeah.
Janette: Yeah, but we did it face to face and had a family lunch and session and—
Jeff: it wasn’t a conversation of who’s going to talk about what. When, we both talked about the situation, of course. But uh, we kind of have that connection to where it was easy for us. It was more about when we have that conversation and where and those types of things.
Dorothy: You know, that. That— That seems, uh, logical or, you know, like that’s a normal thing you would do, but it’s not. I mean, y’all really gave that thoughtful consideration to where people were in their life and how they were going to feel.
Janette: Yeah.
Dorothy: That’s another important piece of advice.
Janette: We don’t want people to leave feeling scared. Because it’s automatic. Like, you’re going to feel that way no matter what, so [00:14:00] it’s, if, if you’re really worried about how they’re going to feel and how, how concerned they’re going to be, you’ve got to be okay yourself to be able to share it in the right way. Um, to alleviate a little bit of that.
Dorothy: So thinking back, what was the most important thing Jeff did?
Janette: Oh, it must be there for me every day. I mean, I think managing the household was huge. Um, cause we did have two months worth of every day. We had people like there, um, and then even beyond that. Um, but he just, he, he just, He was there. He, in a supportive way, he reaffirmed and, um, just continued to give me positive, you know, feedback back and just, if I needed to scream or cry or whatever it was, he was, it was alright with it.
So, it was okay.
Dorothy: Do you ever have a time when you had to go off and scream?
Jeff: No, I don’t. I don’t think so. I mean, there were some, you know, times that were a little [00:15:00] tougher than others, but not scream that that’s maybe not my way of doing things. Um, but there were some times like, well, my gosh, I can’t believe we’re going through this. And how do I move her from here to there right after some of the surgeries? And things like that, uh, just concerned about her, but not, not screaming. There were, there were some moments where she had a lot of people around, uh, And so sleeping in my bed wasn’t, uh, my normal cadence, right? Because, you know, folks would be in there watching movies with Janette. And Janette ‘s, uh, time, her, her, her sleep time was erratic. She could, she could be awake at two in the morning, she could be awake, she’s sleeping different times of the day. And so there was some times I slept on the couch until two, three in the morning, and then their, her sisters or her mom would come and wake me up and say, okay, you can go to the bed now.
So we had a little bit of that, uh, and that was fine. Um, but you know, we also set it up in a way. So from a spouse perspective, you also need to speak to your work. [00:16:00] And so that was an interesting thing that I, that I, that I had done. I reached out to my leadership. I reached out to my team and I had conversations with those folks beforehand, and this is maybe like three or four days before her surgery because, you know, we waited a little bit.
But it was important that I had those conversations because it allowed me to step away at times that were not normal. Um, you know, somebody knocking on the door wasn’t a problem now if I’m on a team’s call and having a conversation and, uh, you know, and so forth, like I could step away and everybody understands. I think it was really important that I had those conversations with my team members and with my leadership team, so that they could support me through the journey of supporting Janette.
Dorothy: So did any one person or a couple of people come rise to the top of being there, having been there before, or supporting you in a very personal way?
Jeff: Um, that’s a good question. [00:17:00] I think, I think the same support system she had was also my support system. I can’t point out one individual that I would say was a special support system, you know, mentor of the situation for me, uh, in this, um, what we went through. Uh, I think it was important that I mentioned my team, they really stepped up and that took away a lot of stress from me to focus on her. So I would say, but, but from an experience perspective, not really.
Dorothy: So it was, they really stepped up and, and you didn’t feel like people were looking at you any differently or?
Jeff: No. No.
Dorothy: No, they were just there for you.
Janette: He’s also really good at his job. I would say my mom jumped on the first flight out and was with us for two months. Um, my girlfriend who the doctor was helping, she did house visits every week. Juliet was there and she was talking to [00:18:00] Jeff about things too. And she just went above and beyond to make sure we were both good. Um, and got to know everybody in the family really, really well. Um, it, it’s just, yeah.
Jeff: The doctors were so great. I mean, the fact that I had their phone numbers. And that was important because you, sometimes there’s so many different things that she needs to take post surgery. To control her pain and control her, you know, these different aspects of the surgery. And, uh, to know how to handle that, and if you forget, who do you contact?
Well, they gave me that information. Now, I did not need to contact them. Uh, but, but, uh, it was important that I had that. Somebody to reach out to. Yeah, yeah. And then the partnership I had with her mom especially. We, we would sit there and talk about, okay, what do we need to do and how do we do it? And, and, and, and make sure we would stay on top of it together.
Dorothy: It almost seems like a boardroom discussion. You know, a little, we have a strategy [00:19:00] here. We’re going to follow it.
Janette: Honestly, it little, it was it’s as funny as people can think about it. If you’re good at project management at work, project manage the heck out of it. It works. The same principles apply to personal life. And I kind of looked at my whole treatments too, we were, they were like, Janette , you’re managing this. Like you’re the CEO of this. And I’m like, I am the CEO of my life.
Dorothy: That’s true.
Jeff: The doctor said, do this. She did that. And we stuck with it. Right. And we knew that she wanted to do that. So we made sure she did. And if she would forget, we’d remind her. And those are the types of things that you need to be there for.
Janette: I took it over and beyond too. And you did help with this because, um, doctors gave me a certain kind of, like this is what you’re supposed to be eating for this given time. And I took it beyond that and I said, okay, I want to be so healthy through my recovery that nothing’s going in my body that doesn’t help me heal.
And they knew that. And Jeff made sure that anything that came to me, because they were making my food and everything else, was [00:20:00] extremely healthy and per the plan and it helped me tremendously over that couple months.
Jeff: I ate all the cookies.
Janette: Yeah
Dorothy: You saved her from that.
Janette: I had zero sugar for a while. I lost a lot of weight through that.
Dorothy: So Jeff, what’s your one message for anyone who’s supporting their spouse through this time?
Jeff: Uh, my message would be that you need to be the strength for that person, and you need to stay positive. Positivity around a person going through a challenge like cancer, uh, is so important. You know, you can cry on their shoulder and, and, and, and, and join that with them, but really staying positive is so important.
Um, we, we, we’re, we’re human and And we think certain ways, and if you have negativity around you, that negativity is gonna drive you lower and lower. The positivity is gonna at least keep you where you need to be, and probably bring you up. And in Janette’s case, I thought, I think it brought [00:21:00] her up. And so to me, that’s the most important thing, is just bringing that strength, that positivity to the situation, because we can’t change it. We can’t go back.
Dorothy: All good advice. Very, very good advice. Thank you both for sharing this. And this is a very intimate time that you’ve been through. And for sharing it with, with our listeners. I know they’re all going to be inspired. They’re going to love that you ate all the cookies.
Jeff: Yeah.
Dorothy: And, uh, you know, we learn something all the time from each other. Great advice. Thank you again.
Jeff: Thank you. Appreciate it.
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